Gutting it all

I feel like I am looking at life from the bottom of a gutter today. I can’t explain it anymore than perhaps a fleeting mood of melencholy but its been one of those bad days that you never admit to people you have. You know the ones. Wake up wishing you could sleep forever. Get out of bed and wish you never did. Grumble through the day fighting back tears.

I called mum today and cried to her on the phone. I was trying to justify pulling out of the latest career changing scheme I had signed up for. Some days it just helps to be able to justify the crap you tell yourself with someone else’s opinion. And I think she knew that, cos she just told me what I wanted to hear and then sent me on my way. Like picking me up after a fall, putting a band aid on my knee and sending me out again.

The main thing that got to me today, was that I was over all this. After a weekend of getting abused at work, I just decided, Fuck it all. I’m so reactive to my life. I used to proactive. I used to be such a motivated little so and so. It used to drive me. Now it just hurts me. I get sort of fits of motivation. Get really excited about something and really raring. And then it fades, I freak out, lose confidence and then just kinda end up crying about it and my life. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me, but I feel so burnt out. Like I’ve already peaked and the rest of my life is just a total slippery slope into a dead end job and 20 million cats in a one bedroom apartment.

And it really makes me wonder you know, what the hell I have done with the past two years of my life? I’ve completed two years at uni, changed my degree three times, started two haphazard books, bought a load of crap, maxed out a credit card and fallen in love with someone I could never have. It just seems so unfulfilled. And it’s got me thinking.

Maybe life really is like the John Mayer Song “No Such Thing”. Maybe there is no such thing as the real world. You life means something when you’re at high school but when you’re out of that adolescent age where mistakes are okay, there is just this giant great big black hole where only those rich and beautiful survive. I mean I know my arguement is flawed, no one’s life is ever perfect, but why is it so uneven? We never become who we want to, because by the time we reach that mark we were striving for, our goals have changed and our wants are different. We want a new direction. A better direction. A bigger position. We never actually make ourselves happy.

Why?

And why not?

Why can’t there just be a universal quick fix? Like a patch Dr Who style that changes it. BAM! I feel better about myself. BAM! I’m happy where I am. BAM! No more terrible blog posts about trivial little things (like this one – NB: I do actually realize how pathetic I am being).

And when we realize that things need to change, how do we change them? Read a book? Find all the answers in others? Or do we just cover it up, pretend we didn’t really feel that way?

I myself know that I talk myself in and out of things. Last night I was excited to start a ‘new life’ today. A ‘new life’. To me a ‘new life’ meant, and still does mean, that I will start taking better care of myself. Get active, eat better, remove toxic things and toxic people from my system. Take multivitamins. ACTUALLY do my university readings. Actually get a good GPA this semester. Find myself. And then life can go on. And that’s what I want. But guess what happened this morning?

My alarm went in and I allowed myself to sleep in. I got up, looked in the mirror and hated that I hadn’t changed. I didn’t become a better person over night and that though got me going. I decided that I wouldn’t go through with my commitments. That I would email my way out of them. Then I called my mum, cried and justified it all. So in reality, even though I got excited about a ‘new life’, my fresh start turned out to be exactly like the old life. And I don’t know what I am more angry about – the fact that I failed or the fact that I thought that I would actually have the power to make myself change.

Just something to think about.

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